Berserk
by GenericDude
Summary: In the midst of the final battle, a druid causes Marcus to go berserk and destroy Eliwood. A crack fic based on what happened in my Fire Emblem 7 file. For those who never levelled up Eliwood...


**Just a little crack fic I wanted to write to take a break from heavier stories. A crazy retelling of a moment in my Fire Emblem 7 game that caused me to throw my DS across the room.**

Berserk

With a heavy thud, the dead body of Morph Lloyd just got deader. It slowly fizzled away into nothing as Lyn sheathed the Sol Katti, feeling like a complete and utter boss.

"There…" she said to herself.

"Hey, Lyn!" a voice shouted. Lyn, whose sword arm was the best in the team and whose bow skills rivaled Wil himself, turned around to see Hector, strutting across to her with his muscles begging to burst out of his new and improved mega ownage armor.

"How you holding up?" Lyn asked.

"Yeah, just hit level 20, _boots to asses _and all that, baby…" he breathed, kissing his biceps, holding the Armads (an axe bigger than his body) like Styrofoam. "Hey, when this is over, how about you and I…"

"Eliwood, be careful, goddammit!"

The two turned around to see Marcus taking an arrow from the final morph in the room, a sniper. The arrow bounced off of Marcus's chest in an oddly arousing manner, one which caused Isadora to blush so much that steam hissed out of her armor. Even the horse whinnied in an amorous fashion.

Marcus has successfully defended Eliwood, the main hero. That was to say, the 'hero', who was nervous enough fighting on the ground, let alone sit on a horse. He had only reached level 5 before his _forced _promotion and had spent the entire fight running around behind Marcus, fulfilling his duty as 'pack mule', failing to level up once since his 'heroic/pivotal/hilarious?' moment.

"God, thanks Marcus!" Eliwood squealed. "I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'LL DO WITHOUT YOU!"

"…Dude" Athos said quietly and deadpan. "Even Merlinus was better than you"

"I'm SENSETIVE, 'KAY?" Eliwood yelled. Suddenly, the wall at the end of the room begun to dissipate, revealing Nergal, the main antagonist of the game.

"It's Nergal!" everyone shouted in unison, all putting their hands to their faces in extreme, exaggerated shock. Nergal started to laugh.

"Bwah hah hah!' he laughed. "I am the best villain in the series. That's the joke" A druid appeared next to him, holding a large red staff.

"I'll take care of him guys!" Marcus yelled. "If anything should happen to me, you'll find Eliwood's nappies on the second shelf from right in my room. Just remember, he only drinks milk that's from…"

"Oh, just GET ON WITH IT!" Hector yelled, his armor giving way and exploding all over the room, his muscular, veiny body pulsing with testosterone. The chest plate knocked Vaida out in one blow.

"I haven't done anything all match" Renault said.

Marcus, who drew his manly silver sword, started to charge towards the druid, ready to slice him, dice him, cube him, maybe do all three and create a lovely stir fry afterwards.

The druid raised the staff.

Marcus felt the impulse to stop.

Lots of red stuff covered Marcus.

Everyone looked in shock as the 'MISS' sign failed to appear.

Slowly turning around, Marcus fixed his blank gaze on Eliwood, who was busy over-soiling his safety nappy.

"…Eliwood…" Marcus said quietly.

"…Yes, Marcus?" Eliwood asked.

A big demonic smile appeared on Marcus's face.

"IMMA RAPE YA BITCH" he yelled.

"OH NOES, SAVE ME HECTOR!" Eliwood screamed.

"Sorry man!" Hector called. "Gotta wait until our turn to do that"

"Where's Nils?" Eliwood yelled.

"He's not in this match, remember?" Lyn yelled over. "He died as soon as we got him back!"

FLASHBACK

_ "It's great to be working with you again, Sir Hector! Where's Eliwood, is Marcus breastfeeding him again? I can play the flute, do you play the flute? I can play the flute, when I play it, some unknown entity plays some strings to go along with it! My flute makes you go all flashy and makes you move again, but I don't have much health because I'm just a plot device that can't fight and I can boost your stats if I want to or maybe not but at the same time my sister, she's this dancer, yeah, and like, she's all like let me dance for you and Eliwood gets the willes for her and I mean REAL big willies, don't you know that I play the flute and WARGH!*clunk*…"_

_ "Uh oh, looks like a general just smashed your face in with an axe. Hmm…hey, I could use this axe. Just gotta wipe the Nils off it…"_

"…BUT I THOUGHT HE WAS ONLY SUPPOSED TO BE INJURED!" Eliwood yelled.

Marcus was berserk. It was like chucking an anvil on an ice cream.

GAME OVER.

**This is what happens if you neglect Eliwood. Just as a note, I actually like Eliwood as a character, he's got the goods. **

**Hector, putting boots to asses since 2003.**


End file.
